Download Reading Fat White Vampire Blues (#1)Author Andrew Fox –

Jules Duchon was a real New Orleans vampire Born and bred in the workingclass Ninth Ward, bitten and smitten with the Big Easy Driving through the French Quarter, stuck in a row of bumpertobumper cars that crept along Decatur Street like a caravan of boneweary camels, Jules Duchon barely fit behind the steering wheel of his very big Cadillac taxicab Even with the seat pushed all the way backDamn, he was hungryJules stopped his cab, pressed the wobbly rocker switch that jerked the electric windows reluctantly to life, and stuck his head into the humid night air “Hey, baby You interested in some dinner?”–from Fat White Vampire Blues Vampire, nosferatu, creature of the night–whatever you call him–Jules Duchon has lived so to speak in New Orleans far longer than there have been drunk coeds on Bourbon Street Weighing in at a whopping four hundred and fifty pounds, swelled up on the sweet, rich blood of people who consume the fattiest diet in the world, Jules is thankful he can’t see his reflection in a mirror When he turns into a bat, he can’t get his big ol’ butt off the ground What’s worse, after than a century of being undead, he’s watched his neighborhood truly go to hell–and now, a new vampire is looking to drive him out altogether See, Jules had always been an equal opportunity kind of vampire And while he would admit that the blood of a black woman is sweeter than the blood of a white man, Jules never drank than his fair share of either Enter Malice XYoung, cocky, and black, Malice warns Jules that his days of feasting on sisters and brothers are over He tells Jules he’d better confine himself to white victims–or else face the consequences And then, just to prove he isn’t kidding, Malice burns Jules’s house to the ground With the help of Maureen, the morbidly obese, strippervampire who made him, and Doodlebug, an undead crossdresser who literally flies in from the coast– Jules must find a way to contend with the hurdles that life throws at himwithout getting a stake through the heart It’s enough to give a man the blues

10 thoughts on “Fat White Vampire Blues (#1)

  1. Seth Seth says:

    The first time I read this book I finished it and tossed it on the shelf promising to warn my friends to skip it and the sequel. I recently picked it back up and flipped through and decided to re-read it. It fared better on the second try.

    The story is simple enough: our protagonist is Jules Duchon, a New Orleans vampire. He's pretty stupid, not very up on local events, and generally uninterested in anything except his few friends, his few hobbies, and his next meal, although his pursuit of those is admirable. Over the last few decades, separated from his vampire/lover and working as a cab driver to pick up meals, he has gained hundreds of pounds and blames the high levels of fat and cholesterol in the blood of the obese victims he prefers. Not taking responsibility for his own actions is one of Jules' skills.

    The plot kicks in when a new vampire, named Malice X, shows up, beats Jules around a bit, and threatens to kill Jules if he bites any black people in New Orleans. Black women, especially obese black hookers, have been a large percentage of Jules' food supply recently, so this poses a problem.

    It's a ridiculous setup, but fortunately it is explained to some degree later.

    So we follow Jules, his former lover Maureen, and his former sidekick Doodlebug as Jules takes on Malice X' all-black all-vampire army in a battle of wits, strength, and guile, none of which Jules actually possesses.

    Fortunately, Doodlebug, since leaving Jules and moving out of Louisiana, has studied with--I'm not making this up--Tibetan vampire masters, and knows the secrets of vampire fu. Okay, not vampire fu, but knows the secrets of how vampirism works. So DB begins teaching Jules the secret meditative arts that will allow him to shapeshift again (well, he can shapeshift, but a flightless-but-winged nutria isn't the same as a bat and a wolf that can barely walk because of its weight isn't much use). DB also inspires Jules to remember how dedicated he was in the '40s, when they first worked together to defeat supposed Axis spies and saboteurs at the New Orleans shipyards.

    There is also a random side bit about a honey trap set by a government agency that tracks down vampires (and can apparantly afford to spend years and many hundreds of thousands of dollars on one not-very-impressive vampire), but that doesn't go anywhere at all and just takes up space.

    The interesting bits are the take on vampiric powers and how they work. There are some good ideas and they are used cleverly, especially in the final confrontation.

    Unfortunately, we still have an odious, racist, stupid, self-absorbed, loser of a protagonist who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions. On the plus side, about half of the really annoying characters die in ways that make their appearance in the sequel unlikely.

    Not a bad read if you don't mind the main character. Like I said, it fared better the second time. I might give the sequel a try.

  2. Aischa Aischa says:

    I just can't finish this. Too many things that make me uncomfortable--race issues, size issues, and the keeping of livestock for blood-in the character's wording: retards and imbeciles.

    It really makes me wonder how to accept a book that has questionable material---is it offensive or is it part of the story for a reason and should be read anyway.

  3. John John says:

    The title says it all - not much horror, but consistently humorous, this is an excellent character study with a healthy dash of social commentary. Highly recommended.

  4. Private Grave Private Grave says:

    Kinda racist.

    Kinda spoiler-y review

    White vampire lives in New Orleans for years, new black vampire comes in and tells him not to feed on black vampires, because… Black Power. Oh no, turns out the black vampire has a thing for a fat white chick the fat white vampire dated.

    They fight to the death, guess who wins.

    Full of racial stereotypes (black people are poor, fat, drug dealers ect.) A trash read don’t waste your time.

  5. Peggy Peggy says:

    Writing a vampire novel is something of an iffy prospect in today’s book market. On the one hand, vampire novels are perennially popular, never seeming to go out of style. But on the other hand, vampire novels have been done to death (no pun intended), and, quite frankly, if you can’t bring something new to the party, then you shouldn’t bother showing up. So I look upon the publication of a new vampire book with a mixture of hope and trepidation—I want to like it, but I’m wary; I’ve been burned before. Well, worry not, vampire fans, Fat White Vampire Blues passes the “Something New” test with flying colors.

    Andrew Fox has done the seemingly impossible: paying homage to New Orleans and to John Kennedy Toole’s near-legendary A Confederacy of Dunces while simultaneously giving us a gentle satire of Anne Rice and Laurel K. Hamilton. Amazingly, the book doesn’t collapse under all that weight. It’s funny, it’s touching, and the characters, even the eccentric ones, ring true.

    Jules Duchon is the fat white vampire of the title. Jules is a native son of New Orleans, a mama’s boy with a taste for rich soul food (or rather, those who have just eaten it) and all of the ambition of your average garden slug. Jules is shaken out of his complacency by a visit from new vampire Malice X, who declares that things will have to change, starting with Jules’ menu choices. Jules is appalled by Malice X’s pronouncements, and vows to defy them. There’s just one problem: Jules thinks he’s James Bond, but he’s closer to Inspector Clouseau.

    Jules is a fabulous character. He has tremendous faith in his own intellect and skill level, and he’s gloriously, grossly mistaken. Fox manages to make Jules both pathetic and sympathetic, and that’s no easy feat. As a reader, you laugh at some of the situations Jules finds himself in, but at the same time you’re both worried that he’s really going to mess up this time and convinced that he deserves every bad thing that happens to him due to his stubborn insistence that he’s always right. Jules plots and schemes, but he always screws it all up. Malice X really is smarter, faster, and, quite frankly, a better vampire than Jules. The only thing Jules has going for him is two old friends: Maureen, the gargantuan stripper who made him a vampire, and Doodlebug, the one vampire that he sired himself and whom he hasn’t spoken to in years. These two try to force Jules to grow up enough to keep something terrible from happening.

    Fat White Vampire Blues is a gem of a book. Fox’s love for New Orleans is as obvious as his gentle tweaking of some of its more famous residents. This is a strong debut novel, and I look forward to seeing what Andrew Fox has in store for me next.

  6. Dave Dave says:

    Jules Duchon is a vampire living in New Orleans. Weighing in at 463 pounds, he is addicted to victims addicted to fried rich food. Schlumping around the Big Easy like an undead Ignatius Riley, the biggest worry in Jules' un-life is whether or not he might have diabetes, that is, until Jules gets muscled by a sinister vampire gangster named Malice X...Hilarity ensues. Kind of.
    The adventure starts and then we are introduced to a cast of zany one dimensional characters that show Jules, in their special one dimensional way, that he had it in him all along...
    There are some genuinely good parts to this uneven book but I was more engaged by what I thought was the original proposition of the novel: the quotidian existence of an obese, working class vampire in New Orleans changing because of how and what he eats. Just as Andrew Fox's characters were telling Jules that he didn't need the crazy plan to make an army of followers to fight Malice X or the gun that shot stakes and garlic cartridges, I wanted to tell Fox that he didn't need the shadowy anti-vampire federal agency or the secret agent with the wooden stakes popping out of her implanted breasts to tell a good story.

  7. Zoey Zoey says:

    When I went to the library, I told the librarian that I wanted a book about vampires, but that I wanted it to be as different from the god-awful Twilight books as possible. He recommended this.

    I can’t say that the book is particularly thrilling. The book drags in some places, and I didn’t find the plot particularly satisfying. What made up for that was the unconventional vampire story.

    Jules Duchon is a morbidly obese vampire living in New Orleans. He prefers the blood of fat victims, which is what led to him becoming fat. Jules is also not a particularly good vampire. He’s not as strong or fast as he used to be, back when he was skinny. In his wolf form his stomach drags the ground and his bat form is so fat that it can’t fly. Jules is not particularly intelligent, he’s a cabbie, and he’s not wealthy. All of this, plus other aspects of the book, go against the grain of the traditional vampire story.

  8. Lori Lori says:

    As diverse as supernatural fiction has gotten, one thing is almost always universal: Vampires are hot. And cool. And brainy and organized and natural leaders.

    With the exception of the occasional bad guy killed off in mere minutes or supporting character type, whether hero or villain, vampires are the equivalent of movie stars and politicians.

    Which may be why I liked Fat White Vampire Blues so much. Jules is, at best, a schlub. Living off rich New Orleans blood has made him obese and content, with aching joints and a night job in a Caddy cab, right up until a non-so-stock bad guy decides to rock the boat. (You've got to love the idea that a vampire might need to diet. Or choose his victims by judging how healthy they might be.)

    Fox offers an interesting turn on an oft-stale genre. Will be interesting to see how it plays out.

  9. David Timms David Timms says:

    There ae a lot of strange and interesting combinations in New Orleans. In this book, humor and horror combine into a bizarre, funny, eclectic book. The roux on which this jambalaya is based has a flavor reminiscent of John Kennedy Toole’s _A Confederacy of Dunces_. Add a little Anne Rice influence and street observation and something to stretch your imagination to allow a depressed, 450+ pound vampire and a cast of increasingly funny and unlikely characters... and you're gonna laisser les bons temps rouler, cher!

    I am confident that you have encountered very few protagonists quite like Jules Duchon, the fat white vampire of the book's title. Brace yourself for a great ride. This is not great literature: it is bizarre entertainment at a new level. A peek into a subculture previously unexplored. Voyeurism into an area we never knew existed. Enjoy!

  10. Max Kalinin Max Kalinin says:

    It gets 3 stars for some kind of originality. but overall, I almost DNF'd it. I mean I really liked the whole idea of an obese vampire getting fatter and fatter, but some parts just felt like a mega filler material, I felt that if I won't skip those parts, the book is totally doomed.

    Oh and a last thing - it could be a much better graphic novel. If it was, I probably would go for the next part, and also enjoy the read, as the slower un-needed parts would have passed in about half a page, and the story would move on...

    Overall, 5/5 for originality, 0/5 for TLDR parts, 2/5 for general story going. oh yeah 4/5 for some of the characters. DB was a definite star of the whole ordeal.